This is a post I just made on Facebook, that I wish to expand upon here in my blog:
I haven't been able to shake this feeling for days. It's been really hard to identify, and I've just been feeling really horrible for seemingly no reason. Tonight it felt as if my world was falling apart, and I just got so frustrated. I was so frustrated that I couldn't just feel whatever was stirring inside of me. I needed to feel it so badly, but couldn't. It was all bottling up and I had no idea how to release it. As I was making some tea, I started to recall all the things I've been reading about Ferguson, all the posts people are making about it and I was overwhelmed with grief.
I haven't been able to shake this feeling for days. It's been really hard to identify, and I've just been feeling really horrible for seemingly no reason. Tonight it felt as if my world was falling apart, and I just got so frustrated. I was so frustrated that I couldn't just feel whatever was stirring inside of me. I needed to feel it so badly, but couldn't. It was all bottling up and I had no idea how to release it. As I was making some tea, I started to recall all the things I've been reading about Ferguson, all the posts people are making about it and I was overwhelmed with grief.
As the tears flowed I realized that while there are some painful things
happening in my life that I am processing, this horrible shaky feeling
I've had over the last few days is in large part my inability to
actually open up and feel all this pain. All the pain I feel for the
community of Ferguson, and for all the communities that it affects. And
the fact that it is ultimately affecting EVERY community.
When I learn about Ferguson and other atrocities like it, I generally view it from a detached place. I intellectually understand and take note of what is going on and am of course against it, and have all kinds of opinions and speak them, but as a defense mechanism I never allow myself to really feel how it affects me. I switch off my empathy button and watch it all from afar. From my computer screen. Safe, in my room.
So I grieve, now. I am grieving for my individual woes, and I am allowing myself to open up to the intense collective grief happening as our children are gunned down in the streets by the people who are supposed to be protecting them.
I feel the world's pain and it SUCKS. IT SUCKS. But it's also so important. It is so important that I allow myself, scary as it is, to actually connect to all of it. It's so hard!
But I am also SO GRATEFUL that I have so many amazing people in my life who are sharing themselves and their grief and their outrage. All of you posting things on here just helped me to open up and feel that pain. And I know the only way to transform myself and this world is to open up to all the pain and transform it. Draw strength from it and do something with it.
Thank you everyone for your transparency! For sharing what matters to you!
This post was already lengthy enough as it is on Facebook, but I feel like there is more to say, if only for my own edification. I'm going to continue treating this as "journaling with witness."
The kind of pain I'm talking about goes beyond trying to relate to the Brown family for example. I understand that I'm a white guy and it is damn near impossible for me to truly understand what it must be like to live in oppression the way that people of color do every day in this country. I am aware of my white privilege and am working hard to learn more about it and how to usurp it every day, but I still grew up with that particular programming. I believe it takes quite some time to unravel all that deeply entrenched brainwashing.
The pain I'm discussing here I believe wells up from a much deeper place. It's almost like I have antennae, whose only responsibility is to pick up the signal of the collective. The signal of every single person who is experiencing trauma or grief on the whole planet. I also don't believe that I am the only one with these antennae. I think every person does. And so as I contemplate Ferguson, and what it represents, I am overwhelmed with connecting to all the anger and all the sadness being felt in this moment by so many people. I'll even bet that Darren Wilson, the police force, and the lawmakers are all experiencing some level of grief, even if they're not aware of it. Even if it's as little and simple as grief over going through this whole messy process.
And is it possible for anyone, anywhere to experience compassion for Darren Wilson? I am in no way condoning his behavior or his lack of accountability for it, but is it possible for any of us to experience compassion for him? Imagine how hurt he must be inside in order to not only do something like that, but also not to take responsibility for it? What horrible trauma has he experienced in his life to give him the ability to do these things? As the saying goes, "hurt people hurt people."
I am currently taking an Ecopsychology class for my undergraduate program. One of the topics of discussion has been from my teacher Jeanine Canty's dissertation. To paraphrase, her research suggests that one of the major issues in facing the environmental crisis is that many people who are striking out to find solutions are only approaching it intellectually and philosophically. Many of these people have not actually experienced the very real possibility of our species' extinction. Many of these people are not actually experiencing the pain caused by the death of myriad species every day. She also says that on top of this many people try to find solutions but on a deeper level don't actually believe anything can be done, that their attempts are futile. Canty's argument is that no one will actually find solutions until they can connect to this grief, and have a personal experience with it. Only then will they truly understand the issue enough to resolve it.
I bring this up because I realized that I have been doing just that with a great number of things, including Ferguson. I've been approaching so many different issues from an intellectual place, instead of a feeling place. It has been a big realization for me tonight, considering I've been immersed in Canty's course and her dissertation and didn't even realize that I was guilty of that very thing. I realize a great number of people are too, so I'm taking it in stride.
When I learn about Ferguson and other atrocities like it, I generally view it from a detached place. I intellectually understand and take note of what is going on and am of course against it, and have all kinds of opinions and speak them, but as a defense mechanism I never allow myself to really feel how it affects me. I switch off my empathy button and watch it all from afar. From my computer screen. Safe, in my room.
So I grieve, now. I am grieving for my individual woes, and I am allowing myself to open up to the intense collective grief happening as our children are gunned down in the streets by the people who are supposed to be protecting them.
I feel the world's pain and it SUCKS. IT SUCKS. But it's also so important. It is so important that I allow myself, scary as it is, to actually connect to all of it. It's so hard!
But I am also SO GRATEFUL that I have so many amazing people in my life who are sharing themselves and their grief and their outrage. All of you posting things on here just helped me to open up and feel that pain. And I know the only way to transform myself and this world is to open up to all the pain and transform it. Draw strength from it and do something with it.
Thank you everyone for your transparency! For sharing what matters to you!
This post was already lengthy enough as it is on Facebook, but I feel like there is more to say, if only for my own edification. I'm going to continue treating this as "journaling with witness."
The kind of pain I'm talking about goes beyond trying to relate to the Brown family for example. I understand that I'm a white guy and it is damn near impossible for me to truly understand what it must be like to live in oppression the way that people of color do every day in this country. I am aware of my white privilege and am working hard to learn more about it and how to usurp it every day, but I still grew up with that particular programming. I believe it takes quite some time to unravel all that deeply entrenched brainwashing.
The pain I'm discussing here I believe wells up from a much deeper place. It's almost like I have antennae, whose only responsibility is to pick up the signal of the collective. The signal of every single person who is experiencing trauma or grief on the whole planet. I also don't believe that I am the only one with these antennae. I think every person does. And so as I contemplate Ferguson, and what it represents, I am overwhelmed with connecting to all the anger and all the sadness being felt in this moment by so many people. I'll even bet that Darren Wilson, the police force, and the lawmakers are all experiencing some level of grief, even if they're not aware of it. Even if it's as little and simple as grief over going through this whole messy process.
And is it possible for anyone, anywhere to experience compassion for Darren Wilson? I am in no way condoning his behavior or his lack of accountability for it, but is it possible for any of us to experience compassion for him? Imagine how hurt he must be inside in order to not only do something like that, but also not to take responsibility for it? What horrible trauma has he experienced in his life to give him the ability to do these things? As the saying goes, "hurt people hurt people."
I am currently taking an Ecopsychology class for my undergraduate program. One of the topics of discussion has been from my teacher Jeanine Canty's dissertation. To paraphrase, her research suggests that one of the major issues in facing the environmental crisis is that many people who are striking out to find solutions are only approaching it intellectually and philosophically. Many of these people have not actually experienced the very real possibility of our species' extinction. Many of these people are not actually experiencing the pain caused by the death of myriad species every day. She also says that on top of this many people try to find solutions but on a deeper level don't actually believe anything can be done, that their attempts are futile. Canty's argument is that no one will actually find solutions until they can connect to this grief, and have a personal experience with it. Only then will they truly understand the issue enough to resolve it.
I bring this up because I realized that I have been doing just that with a great number of things, including Ferguson. I've been approaching so many different issues from an intellectual place, instead of a feeling place. It has been a big realization for me tonight, considering I've been immersed in Canty's course and her dissertation and didn't even realize that I was guilty of that very thing. I realize a great number of people are too, so I'm taking it in stride.
