Today I woke up with contradictory feelings: I feel somewhat lost and confused, and grieve the ways in which I am not true to myself.
Somehow I also feel inspired. I feel inspired to write, to sit down and formulate my thoughts. Is blogging narcissistic? Is it egotistical to keep a journal that other people can see? Will my output change because I know that others might see it at some point?
Recently I have been unraveling, mostly because I haven't been working. I have school assignments looming, but for whatever reason that isn't enough to get me moving (both literally and figuratively). I need work, and yet I feel a sense of unease whenever I think about jumping into just any job.
What am I really trying to say here? I am trying to ascertain the exact feeling I have, this feeling of complacency and incompleteness. I'm a man on a mission with no idea of how to execute his mission. I've decided the first place to start is to really sit down and start writing more. I need to just write, regardless of what comes out. I need to open my soul to the Divine Flow that is always there, always within reach. I so love all of Rumi's poems that talk about being the flute. The flute that opens up to be played. The Divine plays through me, sings its beautiful song. Somehow I've stopped allowing this flow to wash over me.
It's as if all this inspiration recently has welled up inside of me, but that I have no outlet for it. I still don't know what I'm really trying to say here. I'm trying to say that perhaps many people feel this lost. Maybe so many people out there have important things to say, but don't know how or where to say them. I have big ideas but have no idea how to go about implementing them. I don't want to just start a business and play the same game as all the other businesses. I just learned how to start a business in depth at JFK University, and yet I'm discovering that in order for me to really do that, it has to feel in the flow. I've been forcing so much recently, and haven't really found my groove. Where is my flow? Where has it gone?
Before this week, I had so many incredible synchronicities grace my flow. So many moments that felt easy, flowing, purposeful, and profound. It was like a breath of fresh air. I was able to move again, to feel connected, to feel like I matter. I suppose it really just comes down to self-love. I am able to love myself when I feel like I am in the Divine Flow, where I am creative and in the zone. And before that, I was just really angry. I was really angry on so many levels, and it was like poison. It poisoned my flow. I thought I had come out of it. I thought the synchronicities were pulling me out of that stagnant and stuck place, and yet I continue to exhibit behavior that suggests I'm struggling.
I'm truly convinced however that this behavior mostly comes from being underemployed. I have so much time on my hands that I feel useless. I woke up today with the thought that I am a useless bum. Where do these thoughts come from? How do I feel useful? Certainly not working a fucking desk job. So where do I find my inspiration? Where do I find the flow again? Like I said, I continue to feel incredibly inspired and yet it all bottles up and I have no idea how to get things moving. I long to collaborate with like-minded individuals. I long to join or create a group and get my ideas out there, get them moving.
Somehow I also feel inspired. I feel inspired to write, to sit down and formulate my thoughts. Is blogging narcissistic? Is it egotistical to keep a journal that other people can see? Will my output change because I know that others might see it at some point?
Recently I have been unraveling, mostly because I haven't been working. I have school assignments looming, but for whatever reason that isn't enough to get me moving (both literally and figuratively). I need work, and yet I feel a sense of unease whenever I think about jumping into just any job.
What am I really trying to say here? I am trying to ascertain the exact feeling I have, this feeling of complacency and incompleteness. I'm a man on a mission with no idea of how to execute his mission. I've decided the first place to start is to really sit down and start writing more. I need to just write, regardless of what comes out. I need to open my soul to the Divine Flow that is always there, always within reach. I so love all of Rumi's poems that talk about being the flute. The flute that opens up to be played. The Divine plays through me, sings its beautiful song. Somehow I've stopped allowing this flow to wash over me.
It's as if all this inspiration recently has welled up inside of me, but that I have no outlet for it. I still don't know what I'm really trying to say here. I'm trying to say that perhaps many people feel this lost. Maybe so many people out there have important things to say, but don't know how or where to say them. I have big ideas but have no idea how to go about implementing them. I don't want to just start a business and play the same game as all the other businesses. I just learned how to start a business in depth at JFK University, and yet I'm discovering that in order for me to really do that, it has to feel in the flow. I've been forcing so much recently, and haven't really found my groove. Where is my flow? Where has it gone?
Before this week, I had so many incredible synchronicities grace my flow. So many moments that felt easy, flowing, purposeful, and profound. It was like a breath of fresh air. I was able to move again, to feel connected, to feel like I matter. I suppose it really just comes down to self-love. I am able to love myself when I feel like I am in the Divine Flow, where I am creative and in the zone. And before that, I was just really angry. I was really angry on so many levels, and it was like poison. It poisoned my flow. I thought I had come out of it. I thought the synchronicities were pulling me out of that stagnant and stuck place, and yet I continue to exhibit behavior that suggests I'm struggling.
I'm truly convinced however that this behavior mostly comes from being underemployed. I have so much time on my hands that I feel useless. I woke up today with the thought that I am a useless bum. Where do these thoughts come from? How do I feel useful? Certainly not working a fucking desk job. So where do I find my inspiration? Where do I find the flow again? Like I said, I continue to feel incredibly inspired and yet it all bottles up and I have no idea how to get things moving. I long to collaborate with like-minded individuals. I long to join or create a group and get my ideas out there, get them moving.
No comments:
Post a Comment